


Heavy Heart, Heavy Mind

by magnificentbanes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Descriptions of a Panic Attack, M/M, Talk of mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-23 19:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13197306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnificentbanes/pseuds/magnificentbanes
Summary: Alec has been feeling off for weeks, but he keeps pushing the feelings away, tamping them down because someone else is always going to have it worse. He tries not feel anything, until one day, he can't.





	Heavy Heart, Heavy Mind

Alec had been feeling the changes for weeks. It wasn’t really any one thing in particular, but he could feel himself getting increasingly more stressed. His heart felt like it weighed fifty pounds in his chest and his mind was constantly racing, thinking about everything that could go wrong, no matter how good things were in his life. Everything was just building and building and he knew it was a matter of time before it all fell apart, but for now he couldn’t think about it, so he pushed it aside.

He was dealing with his normal duties as head of the Institute, but now he had the added pressure of dealing with Clary and Jace, who had somehow become more reckless since Valentine and Jonathan’s deaths. It felt like they were keeping secrets, which didn’t sit well with Alec and made a lump form in his stomach whenever he thought about it. He had always tried to help the two of them, even when it was at the expense of his own safety, and the fact that neither of them seemed to give a fuck made him feel uneasy.

He was also dealing with Lorenzo Rey, who had replaced Magnus as High Warlock of Brooklyn and therefore had taken his spot on the Downworld council. Rey wasn’t keen on fixing relations between the Downworlders and Shadowhunters, which made Alec wonder why he was even  _ on  _ the council, unless it was just to spite Magnus and take everything away from him.

Magnus was still upset about losing his title, but that aside, their relationship was going as well as ever. Alec was fixing his relationship with his mother, slowly but surely, and he had cut his father out of his life, which was a weight he didn’t know he was carrying lifted off his shoulders. Izzy was thriving in her new role as weapons master and Max’s training was moving right along and Alec couldn’t have been prouder of his siblings.

To anyone else, it might have seemed as though the good things outweighed the bad, but the bad just had a way of creeping into Alec’s mind, blocking out the good and rooting themselves at the forefront, forcing him to pay attention to them.

It was getting worse and Alec didn’t know how to stop it.

It all came to a head when Alec returned to New York after a meeting in Idris. Inquisitor Herondale had called the meeting to discuss the legitimacy of the Downworld council, saying that it was no longer effective due to the “warlock’s clear prejudice against Shadowhunters.” While Alec did agree that Lorenzo Rey was a detriment to the council, he had barely restrained himself from shouting at her. Downworlders had every right to be angry at Shadowhunters and the point of the council was to try and fix that. But, as long as people like Imogen Herondale existed, Alec was worried that nothing would ever change.

He bypassed Izzy and his mother, both of whom tried to ask him how the meeting went, and locked himself in his office. He sank into his chair and put his head in his hands. His breathing was coming in short, irregular bursts and he tried to regulate it the way Magnus had taught him, but that was just making it worse. He felt dizzy and the world was going black at the edges and he could feel himself spiraling. If he didn’t get this under control, he didn’t know what was going to happen, he didn’t -

“Alexander?”

Alec hadn’t even heard Magnus come in, but then again, the world could have imploded around him and he wouldn’t have noticed. He didn’t look at Magnus, he  _ couldn’t _ , but when Magnus said his name again, he looked up. “Magnus, I - I’m sorry. But I...just want to be alone right now.”

“There is absolutely no way I’m leaving you alone right now. What happened?”

Tears burned at the back of Alec’s eyes and he blinked once, twice, three times, willing them away. He was  _ not  _ going to cry, not when there wasn’t anything to cry about. “Everything happened.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know. It’s just...there’s so much going on. I’m dealing with this job and with Jace and Clary who don’t seem to care about anyone but themselves and with Lorenzo Rey who seems hellbent on ruining everything I’ve tried to accomplish and it’s just...a lot.”

Magnus came and crouched next to Alec, rubbing a soothing hand over his back. “Oh, love. Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

"Because you’re dealing with your own stuff and it’s...it’s not important.”

“Alexander, look at me. Your feelings are  _ absolutely  _ important and I don’t want to hear you say they’re not. I know what depression feels like and it fucking sucks.”

“But I don’t have any reason to be depressed. I have the job I’ve always wanted, I have a good relationship with most of my family, I have you. I have everything I’ve ever wanted and more, I shouldn’t be feeling like this.”

“Depression doesn’t give a damn who you are or what  you have or don’t have. It’s an illness, Alexander, and it doesn’t just go away because things are going good in your life. You are going to have good days, great days even, but you’re also going to have bad days. And that’s okay.” He put a hand on Alec’s face and stroked his thumb across his cheek. “It’s okay to not be okay, Alexander. But what’s not okay is holding it all in. Because that’s when bad things happen and if anything ever happened to you, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”

Despite his heavy heart and mind, Alec felt the corners of his mouth tugging up. He was grateful that he had Magnus in his life - someone who not only loved him wholly, but someone who understood, who had gone through the same things he was. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Mental illness is no fun, but it’s even worse when you try to deal with it all by yourself. Just promise me you’ll talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be me if you don’t want it to, but just don’t let it bottle up.”

“I’ll always want it to be you.”

Magnus smiled and leaned in to press his forehead to Alec’s. “And I’ll always be there to listen. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Alec knew that love wasn’t the answer to all of his problems, and that he would never be cured, but he also knew that as long as he had Magnus the bad days wouldn’t be so bad.


End file.
